Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
