i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
