The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
