I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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