I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
