but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
