I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
