Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
