You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
