hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you win again, gameday.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
