I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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