Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
