I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
