You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
