I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
