Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When did angry sex become our thing?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
