I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
