Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
