remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
