Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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