Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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