I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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