guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
