Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
