I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
