i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
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