seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
