I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize