At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
