Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Randomize
