I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
