my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
