You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
