my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
this beer tastes like vomit already
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
