I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
