Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
