I'm jealous of your bromance
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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