How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
