So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
