She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
