Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
is wine microwaveable?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
