When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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