I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
