Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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