I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
