I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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