I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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