We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize