So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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