omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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