theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
