My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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