he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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