The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
