If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
