did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
They should really pass out barf bags in church
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
