Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
