that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
