My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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