I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
